why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Less talking, more tequila
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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