Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
