A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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