I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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