1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
