My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
