those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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