You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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