Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
