My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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