Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
