i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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