I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize