shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
