I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
