So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
