I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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