Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
