john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
