We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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