there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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