sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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