All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
