There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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