mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
