You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize