Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
