My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I will pee on everything he values.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize