guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
