also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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