I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
