my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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