She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
