Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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