if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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