You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
