I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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