the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
