I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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