And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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