I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
