Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
