i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
