Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
