I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
