I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
