I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
