the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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