I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
