It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
