Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
