Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
