Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
