i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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