I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
they need to just BURY HIM!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
