ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
