are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
