Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
