I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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