it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
