mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize