she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize