you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
