Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
