Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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