May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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