it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
