if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
