I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
