WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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