So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
